USA Today Sports

Derek Jeter Decides To Give It One More Season

In a shocking change of heart, Yankees captain Derek Jeter told media before today’s game 162 in Boston that he changed his mind and would like to return for another season.

“Yeah, I  mean, it’s just [...] all these gifts have been great and such, but after a whole season to think about it, I don’t think it’s time for me to hang it up yet,” Jeter said. “I think I feel better than I thought I would, and my legs have at least another year in them. I’m still a little surprised nobody gave me a boat.”

Jeter’s publicity team spoke with the Yankees front office last week in preparation for the announcement but the organization decided to wait until game 162 to make the announcement.

A spokesperson for the Yankees told SJN “We feel that the time is right to announce Derek’s return for at least one more season.” The spokesperson also went on to say that “Derek was thrilled he’ll get to do his farewell tour one more time.”

“I think this time we should have a different hashtag. #RE2PECT was cool, but I think we could definitely have something cooler for the real farewell season. It’s going to be awesome.”

Jeter got the start at shortstop today in the final game of the regular season.

Misguided youths playing soccer instead of baseball or real football. Photo shot by Derek Jensen (Tysto), 2006-January-13 - Wikicommons

Guest Editorial: Save America, Stop Soccer

Misguided youths playing soccer instead of baseball or real football. Photo shot by Derek Jensen (Tysto), 2006-January-13 - Wikicommons

Misguided youths playing soccer instead of baseball or real football. Photo shot by Derek Jensen (Tysto), 2006-January-13 – Wikicommons

I saw a headline the other day. It said, “Premier League” is back, and all I could think of was Obama Bin Laden and how the liberals are ruining this great country.

I didn’t watch my friends get their faces blown off in Nam to have this great country taken over by heathens and immoral folk.

I didn’t build my paving business from the ground up just to watch my sons run it into the ground and become fat slobs dependent on Pabst Blue Ribbon and hookers for their peace of mind.

My father didn’t toil endlessly in the fields of central Ohio so I could grow up and witness the end of the great American culture, including and not limited to the increase in vegetarianism, homosexuality, hip-hop rap, yoga, and other immoral behaviors.

And now this. Soccer is invading our country and taking over. According to one horrible website, five major league soccer teams are doing better than baseball teams in average attendance.

If your heart isn’t broken then you’re not an American.

If it wasn’t for Osama Obama we wouldn’t be in this position. We should not elect anyone who is not going to stand up for American rights. We have a duty to uphold the constitution, and that includes not letting our sports get ruined and diluted by silly European games like soccer.

George Washington did not sail in a little boat across the Potomac river just to end up rolling in his grave several hundred years later on account of some dumb frenchies who think kicking a ball around is a sport.

Our children deserve better than to run around while kicking a little ball into a net and being rewarded with grapes and oranges. This is not American. What ever happened to rewarding our children with ice cream and soda? I, for one, think we should take our children out to have pizza after a game, not some fancy-pancy veggie parlor with “organic” juice and alfalfa roots. That is just not acceptable.

I understand that some of you may enjoy soccer, and that’s fine, for you. Just keep it to yourselves. Don’t bring it around my neighborhood cause I’ll tell you right now we don’t want it. Keep your kids and their silly shin-guards out of my community cause we don’t want it. Our boys play baseball around here, and if you don’t like it, you can piss off.

Save America. Stop Soccer. Save yourself and bring back real morals to this once great country.

 

Bill McDonald is a member of the Corn Growers Association of America and lives in Dengle, Indiana with his three children and wife who all prefer baseball over soccer.

 

 

March Insanity: The Plight of the Little Guys

Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

Bob Donnan-USA TODAY Sports

This year marked the first year where I skipped out on March Madness. I feel like madness is fitting here. Not because I felt strangely disinterested in college basketball. No, the real reason I stopped watching is because the NCAA is really about grown men making millions of dollars while kids play basketball and see none of it. Granted, this isn’t anything new. The NCAA is, and has been, broken for a while now and nobody seems interested in doing anything to fix it.

We pretended we cared when we required basketball players to “go to college” for one year before declaring so they could write papers like this. To be honest, Google translate could have written a better paper than that, although it wouldn’t have had to because Rosa Parks’ biography is in English and Google translate doesn’t have free will. Of course, that’s not the point. Google translate wrote this article, but at least I proofread it.

That of course is the problem with America, and most of the world — if there’s money, well, period. Nothing else really matters. Not people’s feelings and certainly not people either. It’s capitalism, and it’s not capitalism at the same time, because the definition of capitalism is not what capitalism actually is nowadays. And while “economists” will claim that capitalism is actually based in altruism, anybody who has actually been alive can see that’s a blatant lie, e.g. Monsanto.

The NCAA, like western capitalism, is a system that could have gone down the right road, yet veered off the highway some twenty plus years ago. After all, our real world sleaziness has allowed us to “build” an “America” that is entirely dependent on China, or any other country where we pay people poor wages to make our shirts, pants, bowls, cups, rugs, furniture, electronics and… athletic jerseys.

So it’s hardly surprising that we’ve one upped the people we’re robbing overseas and have begun robbing our own pint-sized academic, athletic citizens in the guise of “betterment.” Because, honestly, we’re really not giving these kids anything. Not a true education and certainly not money. If we took the basketball players on Florida, UConn, Kentucky and Wisconsin and calculated money earned to money payed out and made some questionable parallels, every one of those people working in factories in China and making US products wouldn’t just be wealthy. They would be bottomlessly, fabulously wealthy. Their bank account would literally read the infinity symbol.

Because we don’t pay these college athletes anything. Not only that, we embarrass and occasionally destroy their futures if they do accept money and we pretend like we actually care about decency and morals. How silly Derrick Rose could have been to let someone else take his SATs and go play basketball under the NCAA’s protective wing, who in turn milked him for all he was worth only to deal him a nice ol’ crack-back when he finally started making his own millions. Memphis was a feel good story. Thank you dear old NCAA for turning them into another Michigan.

All this makes me sick and tired of the NCAA. Their smaller parts (the academic institutions themselves) cover up sexual assault, pedophilia, academic fraud and whatever while the NCAA cries foul after the damage has already been done and lays down bowl tablecloth swipes and scholarship sanctions. After, of course, the NCAA has already pocketed millions of dollars in (literally) sweatshop profits generated from the offenders. The point is, NCAA, if you care, show you care. Take preventive measures. When was the last time you saw an NCAA related infraction that wasn’t at least a year old get reported?

I used to hear the idea that the NCAAB creates a better product than the NBA. That the players care, they actually play defense, they have more “heart.” And while that’s true in some respects (but certainly not all, as there are plenty of NBA players who care and have heart) it’s also misguided. Because the NBA, at the very least, has transparency.

Adam Silver (just like David Stern, god bless his soul) uses grown men to make a lot of money. But that’s okay, because he acknowledges this, and he pays these grown men a lot of money. Even if he should probably pay them a lot more, the underpayment is at least acknowledged. Every ten years or so, the powers that be will sit down with Derek Fisher or some other walking zombie basketball player and they say, “Hey, we’re kind of robbing you, sorry, but it’s just gotta be that way” and the players will shrug because the difference between $175 million and $200 million doesn’t (or at least shouldn’t) really matter.

Look, I didn’t watch any March Madness this year because I don’t care anymore. I’m tired. And I’m sad. I heard it was a great tournament, too. Anytime a 7 plays an 8 is a treat. When the little guys win out (even if Kentucky is huge and all of their players are NBA bound), it’s a victory for the world. It makes me smile, because for one brief moment, the people who work hard and fill the world with passion come out on top. It makes me forget that they’re being robbed blind.

There’s enough pain and suffering in the world and sometimes sports just don’t really matter in the universal schemes of big guys squashing little guys. If I’m going to trudge on down to my neighborhood bar and get a few beers and feel sorry about the state of the universe, I prefer to avoid conflict. That means skipping out on NCAA money charades and leaving my phone that was made out of conflict minerals obtained by African children who work 48-hour shifts amidst mudslides and tunnel collapses at home.

Sometimes, you just need to be alone with the stars, drinking local beer out of glasses made in China.

Make Opening Day a National Holiday!

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As far as American government goes, I can really only be sure of one thing. Whoever makes the laws in Florida should probably be arrested. I’m also confident plastic should be made illegal and we should allow Republicans and the state of Texas to secede with the help of Russia and create their own super colony… If they want to. Just don’t be surprised when you’re eventually conquered by Mexico.

But I’m pretty sure the greatest idea ever was recently proposed on whitehouse.gov: Make Opening Day a National Holiday.

Basically, this needs to be put into law ASAP. With only a few weeks to go and 37,000 more signatures needed, America needs to step up their game.  Let’s get into why this is perhaps the best proposal ever, and why our government is just the government to make it happen.

MLB Opening Day is more than just the beginning of the season. It’s a symbol of rebirth. The coming of spring. The return of America’s national pastime.” Actually, I’m pretty sure our national pastime was subjugating and oppressing other groups of people against their will, but I’m happy to run with baseball instead. It’s easier to sleep at night thinking our legacy is rooted in frankenmeat and steroids rather than slavery and genocide.

It’s a state of mind where anything is possible. You can feel the electricity in the air.” I love this. It would replace the de facto American state of mind, which is ‘New York State of Mind’ by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys. Anytime there’s a chance to usurp the most tragic American anthem since that jazz infused diddy about our 1922 refusal to outlaw lead, I’m for it.

Opening Day brings with it the promise of a new beginning. Every fan is in good spirits. It’s a day of celebration. It’s a day of hope.” Yup. I’m in complete agreement. Let’s face it; America is in a downward spiral. We’ve been there, well, for close to 300 years by my count. I’m all about new beginnings. True, we can probably do better than beer and peanuts. But who knows? Maybe that will lead to a hike and exploring the amazing realm of nature from whence we came. For now, watching a bunch of overpaid men cheat their way to a 1-0 win will have to do.

“It’s a day that, for generations, has been looked forward to by baseball fans every off-season. It’s an American tradition, and it deserves to be recognized as an American holiday. ” I’m increasingly beginning to believe that this proposition was written by someone who’s lived underground since 1935, but everybody needs something to look forward to. Our government sure isn’t giving us much in that department, so I say, why not? I could always use a day off work, and so could the hard working Americans, and everybody else who helps run this country from China.

“Join us in our quest to make sure every American can exercise their inalienable right to celebrate the day those two magical words are uttered for the first time: “PLAY BALL!” To be honest, my first time wasn’t all that memorable. Or magical. There were definitely far less than two words uttered in that bathroom but I take the fifth and that is my inalienable right. But that’s what first times are for — to forget and pretend they never happened. Every time should be like the first, so I’m all about a holiday that makes us feel new and whole again.

Look, I hope this law gets passed. I really do. I mean, we have a holiday for a guy who arrived in the Americas, thought he was in India, and was like, “Hi, I’m Chris, everything that used to belong to you now belongs to me, so thanks. PS, here are some smallpox.”

The least we can do is work a little less and get back to our roots and enjoy a sport that used to be a unifying force in America. We’re all about excess, so what’s wrong with an excess holiday that has some American relevance? Plus, it will only lay precedent to the other petitions I have in mind for this great country of ours, which include legalizing all firearms when in the presence of bacon and genetically modifying water.

Happy Fourth of July, America.

The Insufferable Scorecard of Tiger Woods

Newsflash.

There is this new golfer who is infamous for being good at golf. He’s not terrible, he’s just merely good but he’s usually out of the running come Sunday in majors. He keeps making ESPN top stories despite never winning said majors. He even missed a cut once at Torrey Pines.

Despite this assured good but not greatness, ESPN always keeps us updated on his status. If anything remotely compassionate or motivating was broadcasted to us as regularly as this guy’s ‘shots off the lead,’ world hunger would have been eradicated. If ESPN tackled global issues they way they tackle this guy’s assured descent into the middle to the back end of the pack, Ukraine, South Sudan, Syria, Palestine and Israel would all be throwing hug and cuddle parades right now.

Sadly, ESPN is always throwing its lot in with the less than one percent of things that literally do not matter in any way shape or form. At the top of that list?

No, not golf.

Tiger Woods’ tournament status.

Tiger, -1,789 off the lead. Tiger drives 19th hole green from 1st hole tee. Tiger swears while missing cut. It’s the never-ending story. He’s everywhere. It’s not hard to find a bevy of clips about Tiger as irrelevant as my human existence. He’s always talking in polite monotones. He’s always feeling good, too. Always feeling good out there today.

Jeez, if I felt good as often as this guy, I wouldn’t be drinking so much wine and eating painkillers like Cheetos. Is he Buddhist? Is he Buddha? Whatever magic pills he’s taking, it’s working. People must still care a ton about this guy because ESPN is all over him like an FBS school on a sexual assault case. And by that I mean the opposite of that.

Look, we don’t have to hear about Tiger all the time. He barely made the cut at the Honda tournament thing on Friday. According to him (via ours truly, ESPN)  “it was a grind.” That’s great. Honestly, great. Who’s in second place though? Third? Fourth? Any of the 78 players that finished in front of Tiger?

Having to hear a whole bunch of meaningless chatter about a dude who was great six years ago is even less interesting than watching that same dude hack his way to a good but not great 71. It’s not like he has anything new to say either. Woods, when pressed on why he shot a 65 on Saturday, responded like every other golfer ever in the history of golf — he said that he hit the ball well and he made some putts.

Fact: Tiger was on top of the world six years ago. Fact: No longer. Leave the #1 ranking out of it. It’s the same excuse everyone used when Roger Federer was metaphorically lapped by Djokovic and Nadal.

Why do I have to keep reading about Tiger like he’s still the same guy who won those 14 majors? Why do I have to watch the man hole out his par putt on the 13th hole when he’s constipated and down by 6? I typed in Honda Classic on Sunday (after it was over) and the first thing that showed up on Google was Tiger having to withdraw due to a back issue. Not who won the actual tournament.

Here’s a list of things I would rather see than Tiger not win anything: The Los Angeles Lakers try to play basketball. Golf. Hot dogs. Oatmeal cooking on a campfire stove. A water fountain that doesn’t work. A frog doing the throat inflation thingy. Paper. An organ that plays itself. Shoes.

No more constant newsflashes, please. Or interviews. Even if he conducts A-Rodian news conferences of the highest caliber, he still needs a PR facial hair rep.

If we stopped caring about his descent into average joe-ness, who knows? Maybe he’d win another major. The lack of constant, undesirable, pressure probably doesn’t help. But as of now, there’s no point in keeping us updated on the inevitable. There’s a reason no one wants to be reminded they’re going to die eventually, everyday.

It would be more interesting to watch me play golf. If not winning majors is what it takes, sign me up. I can swear with the best of them. I wasn’t kidding about the wine and painkillers either. I’ll crash a car too, just so long as someone else supplies it. I’ve got what it takes to miss the cut. I promise you that.

Day in, day out; the best slice outside of PepsiCo and the raddest hook since the Capn’ and I’m guaranteed to make it happen.