Opening Day

Make Opening Day a National Holiday!

As far as American government goes, I can really only be sure of one thing. Whoever makes the laws in Florida should probably be arrested. I’m also confident plastic should be made illegal and we should allow Republicans and the state of Texas to secede with the help of Russia and create their own super colony… If they want to. Just don’t be surprised when you’re eventually conquered by Mexico.

But I’m pretty sure the greatest idea ever was recently proposed on whitehouse.gov: Make Opening Day a National Holiday.

Basically, this needs to be put into law ASAP. With only a few weeks to go and 37,000 more signatures needed, America needs to step up their game.  Let’s get into why this is perhaps the best proposal ever, and why our government is just the government to make it happen.

MLB Opening Day is more than just the beginning of the season. It’s a symbol of rebirth. The coming of spring. The return of America’s national pastime.” Actually, I’m pretty sure our national pastime was subjugating and oppressing other groups of people against their will, but I’m happy to run with baseball instead. It’s easier to sleep at night thinking our legacy is rooted in frankenmeat and steroids rather than slavery and genocide.

It’s a state of mind where anything is possible. You can feel the electricity in the air.” I love this. It would replace the de facto American state of mind, which is ‘New York State of Mind’ by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys. Anytime there’s a chance to usurp the most tragic American anthem since that jazz infused diddy about our 1922 refusal to outlaw lead, I’m for it.

Opening Day brings with it the promise of a new beginning. Every fan is in good spirits. It’s a day of celebration. It’s a day of hope.” Yup. I’m in complete agreement. Let’s face it; America is in a downward spiral. We’ve been there, well, for close to 300 years by my count. I’m all about new beginnings. True, we can probably do better than beer and peanuts. But who knows? Maybe that will lead to a hike and exploring the amazing realm of nature from whence we came. For now, watching a bunch of overpaid men cheat their way to a 1-0 win will have to do.

“It’s a day that, for generations, has been looked forward to by baseball fans every off-season. It’s an American tradition, and it deserves to be recognized as an American holiday. ” I’m increasingly beginning to believe that this proposition was written by someone who’s lived underground since 1935, but everybody needs something to look forward to. Our government sure isn’t giving us much in that department, so I say, why not? I could always use a day off work, and so could the hard working Americans, and everybody else who helps run this country from China.

“Join us in our quest to make sure every American can exercise their inalienable right to celebrate the day those two magical words are uttered for the first time: “PLAY BALL!” To be honest, my first time wasn’t all that memorable. Or magical. There were definitely far less than two words uttered in that bathroom but I take the fifth and that is my inalienable right. But that’s what first times are for — to forget and pretend they never happened. Every time should be like the first, so I’m all about a holiday that makes us feel new and whole again.

Look, I hope this law gets passed. I really do. I mean, we have a holiday for a guy who arrived in the Americas, thought he was in India, and was like, “Hi, I’m Chris, everything that used to belong to you now belongs to me, so thanks. PS, here are some smallpox.”

The least we can do is work a little less and get back to our roots and enjoy a sport that used to be a unifying force in America. We’re all about excess, so what’s wrong with an excess holiday that has some American relevance? Plus, it will only lay precedent to the other petitions I have in mind for this great country of ours, which include legalizing all firearms when in the presence of bacon and genetically modifying water.

Happy Fourth of July, America.