NFL Showering Policies

Surprise! There’s an openly gay man who will be in the NFL soon.

The NFL has been so un-NFL about it all. Or maybe, we should have seen it coming. They do, after all, welcome back players who shoot assault rifles at parties and host lethal pitbull parties.

So what’s a little man love in the grand scheme of things?

Jonathan Vilma, though; he said something riveting…

“Imagine if he’s the guy next to me and, you know, I get dressed, naked, taking a shower, the whole nine, and it just so happens he looks at me. How am I supposed to respond?”

First, what’s the whole nine? Are we talking golf course stuff? Or like, everything but the kitchen sink? What else happens in the NFL showers? That’s what I’m really intrigued about.

Seems like there could be a series here. Dove or Old Spice or some other junky soap company that makes artificial detergent soap should jump on that one. Niche market, indeed.

They could call it, ‘Gridiron Suds‘ or ‘Tales from the Loofah‘ or maybe just ‘Grown Men Showering.’

Okay, so, what is the whole nine, Jon? Come… clean?

Manicures? Pedicures? Trimming? Is it more like a spa? Hot stones?

I’m picturing a natural hot spring, with some dudes named Erikkson and Lund, and a few shots of brännvin. Tell me more Jonathan — did Berglind and Olga show up wearing Nordic sweaters (or like, the lack thereof) before or after the honey cucumber facial masks?

Look, I want explanations. What type of soap do you use in the NFL anyway? Is it olive oil based? Coconut?Any of that harsh stuff in there, Vilma? SLS? Parabens? Panda bear proteins?

Or did I get caught up on the wrong stuff? Were you assuming, that every NFL player is very… how shall we say this… very ‘do-able?’

That if Sam checked you out, like, looked you up and down, like mmmm

I look at people all the time, btw, and I want to do everything I look at. I’m just wired like that. I think, obviously, it’s entirely, wholeheartedly fair to assume that Michael Sam is too.

Either way, Vilma explained to A-Coop on the 36-0 that he didn’t mean that. He seemed to mean that, at least. So good save, J-Vilm. You’re excused this time.

But seriously. Get back to me about that ‘whole nine’ thing.

I want to shower like they do in the NFL.


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