How Fantasy Sports Changed My Life

I’m here to tell me story. Hopefully it won’t be too long winded. I have to start working on a lineup for tonight’s games so I’ll try to make it quick.

My story is likely not a unique one. I was an average guy: 23 years-old, slightly overweight, a bit of acne, large collection of baseball caps with NCAA basketball team logos on them. I was living at my mom’s house while I was between jobs. After graduating with an associates degree in humanities from the local community college, I worked for a local landscaping firm, and when the weather got cold I moved in with my ma.

That’s when it started. First, I’d play a little daily fantasy hoops on DraftStreet. You know, just a little five dollar game here and there, to see if my countless hours watching ESPN and reading fantasy manuals paid off. That led to bigger games. I’d enter tournaments for, like, a hundred bucks. I’d win some of them. I think, during the first month of playing fantasy sports, I just about broke even. I gained about ten pounds during that time, and the girl who I was calling at night stopped answering, but, whatever. I only had to borrow money from my ma like, twice, or maybe three times. Probably nothing more than a few thousand bucks.

That first month was great. I had finally found something to replace my terrible habit of playing Call of Duty and drinking Mountain Dew until four in the morning. Like I said, I broke even, but I gained a little weight, which, to me, wasn’t that big of a deal.

The next few months were alright too. I was starting to win some bigger tournaments. When baseball season started, I played a bunch of daily fantasy games and tournaments. Trust me, it was a lot better than being stuck at the ballpark in the sweltering heat, just to watch a bunch of guys prance around the field in silly outfits. I didn’t want to go to games anymore, or actually watch the sports. I started to see the idiocy in all of it. Playing fantasy sports really shows you how silly it all is. Fantasy sports shows us that real joy comes from money and pleasure, not squeezing into a tiny stadium chair and having to get up every five minutes to piss or get a slice of pizza or a beer.

It was worth it. I won probably a few hundred bucks during those few months. Gained a bit of weight, probably five or ten more pounds. Whatever. It was fine. My weight was still manageable. I never heard from that girl again. Bitch. She’s probably married to some loser now.

My ma started nagging on me right around the time when spring turned into summer. She kept telling me to “find a job” even though I explained to her that this could be a job. She couldn’t understand that I wasn’t playing fantasy sports for my health. It was a job. She couldn’t get it. A couple of my friends started sending me messages on Facebook about not seeing me around anymore. Dicks. It wasn’t my fault that I found something to be successful at.

Towards the end of the summer, I tripped and fell and broke my wrist. I was on my way back from Checkers and I didn’t see the curb. The next few weeks were miserable. It was incredibly painful to lift my left wrist to the keyboard to complete waiver-wire transactions, or click the “submit” button after creating a lineup. Even typing phrases like “No thanks,” or “What will make this deal work?” became impossible. I was borrowing a bit more money from my ma. Gained some more weight, but it was still all good. Probably only weighed 265 pounds or so. Probably have a thyroid thing, anyway.

Later in the summer, I won a couple tournaments and paid my ma back some of the money I owed her. I started rising up the leaderboards on a lot of fantasy sites and one fantasy site even offered to give me a 20% discount on my next deposit.

I’d say the most important thing I’ve learned from playing fantasy sports is that life is worth living. You know? I mean, life is totally worth living, and I have fantasy sports to thank for that. When I get up in the morning, I don’t feel ashamed about my weight. I don’t miss talking to that girl I was talking to. I don’t miss going to games with my friends. Fantasy sports fixed all of that for me, and it has allowed me to stay closer to my ma.

I’ve learned that real sports is for people who aren’t smart enough to understand the numbers behind the game. Why waste money on real sports when you can make money being a fantasy sports guru?


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