Guest Editorial: Save America, Stop Soccer

Misguided youths playing soccer instead of baseball or real football. Photo shot by Derek Jensen (Tysto), 2006-January-13 - Wikicommons

Misguided youths playing soccer instead of baseball or real football. Photo shot by Derek Jensen (Tysto), 2006-January-13 – Wikicommons

I saw a headline the other day. It said, “Premier League” is back, and all I could think of was Obama Bin Laden and how the liberals are ruining this great country.

I didn’t watch my friends get their faces blown off in Nam to have this great country taken over by heathens and immoral folk.

I didn’t build my paving business from the ground up just to watch my sons run it into the ground and become fat slobs dependent on Pabst Blue Ribbon and hookers for their peace of mind.

My father didn’t toil endlessly in the fields of central Ohio so I could grow up and witness the end of the great American culture, including and not limited to the increase in vegetarianism, homosexuality, hip-hop rap, yoga, and other immoral behaviors.

And now this. Soccer is invading our country and taking over. According to one horrible website, five major league soccer teams are doing better than baseball teams in average attendance.

If your heart isn’t broken then you’re not an American.

If it wasn’t for Osama Obama we wouldn’t be in this position. We should not elect anyone who is not going to stand up for American rights. We have a duty to uphold the constitution, and that includes not letting our sports get ruined and diluted by silly European games like soccer.

George Washington did not sail in a little boat across the Potomac river just to end up rolling in his grave several hundred years later on account of some dumb frenchies who think kicking a ball around is a sport.

Our children deserve better than to run around while kicking a little ball into a net and being rewarded with grapes and oranges. This is not American. What ever happened to rewarding our children with ice cream and soda? I, for one, think we should take our children out to have pizza after a game, not some fancy-pancy veggie parlor with “organic” juice and alfalfa roots. That is just not acceptable.

I understand that some of you may enjoy soccer, and that’s fine, for you. Just keep it to yourselves. Don’t bring it around my neighborhood cause I’ll tell you right now we don’t want it. Keep your kids and their silly shin-guards out of my community cause we don’t want it. Our boys play baseball around here, and if you don’t like it, you can piss off.

Save America. Stop Soccer. Save yourself and bring back real morals to this once great country.


Bill McDonald is a member of the Corn Farmers Association of America and lives in Dengle, Indiana with his three children and wife who all prefer baseball over soccer.