MLB

Giancarlo Stanton Signs with Marlins for $1.6 Billion Over 25 years.

The Miami Marlins and Giancarlo Stanton have reached a blockbuster deal that will keep the slugger in Miami until 2029. The deal is reported to be worth nearly $1.6 billion with incentives and bonuses totaling another $1.2 billion should the slugger stay healthy. This would keep Stanton in a Marlins uniform until the age of 50, or until the team folds or moves to another city.

Stanton told media after the game:

“Yeah, it’s cool. I mean, it’s a lot of money. I’m just kinda like, yeah. I love baseball and I love playing baseball wherever we play. It’s just a really tough thing to swallow, you know, being somewhere for that long. It’s just…yeah.”

Stanton made mention that he’d like to visit Hawaii some day and that he’d “definitely like to check out Paris one day, too.” Midway through the conference, the outfielder noted that he “really thought the Yankees might make a run at me, and that would have been cool, but I guess not.”

Stanton has hit 154 home runs over his five year tenure with the Marlins, and slugged a whopping .540, with a batting average of .271. He’s now the highest paid salaried professional in the world behind a few thousand bankers, moguls and barons.

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NLDS: A Sample of Joe Buck’s Earth-Shattering Play-by-Play

Joe Buck was once again given the honor of calling the National League Divisional Series when instead the honor should have gone to someone more deserving. We at SJN can think of one person in particular who should’ve called the game (Vin Scully) given the Dodgers are in the series, but who cares what we think?

64 years in broadcasting doesn’t entitle you to anything.

On to a smattering of Joe’s amazing calls from Monday, October 6th, Game 3.

“That is a strike, for strike number three.” on Hyu’s first inning K of Randal Grichuk.

“Here’s the 3-0. And how bout that, swingin’ on 3-0. On … the … 3-0.” during Matt Holliday’s first inning at-bat. It sounded like Joe was trying really, really hard to remember which type of breaking pitch it was, however, Joe can’t differentiate between breaking pitches so that’s why he didn’t say. Good recovery, though.

“A.J. Ellis was born in Missouri.” Buck made this comment during a long pause. It had nothing to do with anything going on at the time. Super Buckian.

 “Here’s one into right, and that one is going to be CAUGHT! It is dropped.” on Hanley Ramirez’s single in the second inning. The ball wasn’t caught, nor was it dropped. It was trapped. So, in effect, he made two wrong calls. Kind of reminds us of this gem by longtime play-by-play jerk John Sterling.

“On deck is Carpenter. Lackey’s just trying to get to him.” Lackey was batting in the second, and yes, this is what Lackey would want to do, preferably by getting on base.

Hell, it goes on all night. Just tune in and listen for yourself.

Derek Jeter Decides To Give It One More Season

In a shocking change of heart, Yankees captain Derek Jeter told media before today’s game 162 in Boston that he changed his mind and would like to return for another season.

“Yeah, I  mean, it’s just […] all these gifts have been great and such, but after a whole season to think about it, I don’t think it’s time for me to hang it up yet,” Jeter said. “I think I feel better than I thought I would, and my legs have at least another year in them. I’m still a little surprised nobody gave me a boat.”

Jeter’s publicity team spoke with the Yankees front office last week in preparation for the announcement but the organization decided to wait until game 162 to make the announcement.

A spokesperson for the Yankees told SJN “We feel that the time is right to announce Derek’s return for at least one more season.” The spokesperson also went on to say that “Derek was thrilled he’ll get to do his farewell tour one more time.”

“I think this time we should have a different hashtag. #RE2PECT was cool, but I think we could definitely have something cooler for the real farewell season. It’s going to be awesome.”

Jeter got the start at shortstop today in the final game of the regular season.

Make Opening Day a National Holiday!

As far as American government goes, I can really only be sure of one thing. Whoever makes the laws in Florida should probably be arrested. I’m also confident plastic should be made illegal and we should allow Republicans and the state of Texas to secede with the help of Russia and create their own super colony… If they want to. Just don’t be surprised when you’re eventually conquered by Mexico.

But I’m pretty sure the greatest idea ever was recently proposed on whitehouse.gov: Make Opening Day a National Holiday.

Basically, this needs to be put into law ASAP. With only a few weeks to go and 37,000 more signatures needed, America needs to step up their game.  Let’s get into why this is perhaps the best proposal ever, and why our government is just the government to make it happen.

MLB Opening Day is more than just the beginning of the season. It’s a symbol of rebirth. The coming of spring. The return of America’s national pastime.” Actually, I’m pretty sure our national pastime was subjugating and oppressing other groups of people against their will, but I’m happy to run with baseball instead. It’s easier to sleep at night thinking our legacy is rooted in frankenmeat and steroids rather than slavery and genocide.

It’s a state of mind where anything is possible. You can feel the electricity in the air.” I love this. It would replace the de facto American state of mind, which is ‘New York State of Mind’ by Jay-Z feat. Alicia Keys. Anytime there’s a chance to usurp the most tragic American anthem since that jazz infused diddy about our 1922 refusal to outlaw lead, I’m for it.

Opening Day brings with it the promise of a new beginning. Every fan is in good spirits. It’s a day of celebration. It’s a day of hope.” Yup. I’m in complete agreement. Let’s face it; America is in a downward spiral. We’ve been there, well, for close to 300 years by my count. I’m all about new beginnings. True, we can probably do better than beer and peanuts. But who knows? Maybe that will lead to a hike and exploring the amazing realm of nature from whence we came. For now, watching a bunch of overpaid men cheat their way to a 1-0 win will have to do.

“It’s a day that, for generations, has been looked forward to by baseball fans every off-season. It’s an American tradition, and it deserves to be recognized as an American holiday. ” I’m increasingly beginning to believe that this proposition was written by someone who’s lived underground since 1935, but everybody needs something to look forward to. Our government sure isn’t giving us much in that department, so I say, why not? I could always use a day off work, and so could the hard working Americans, and everybody else who helps run this country from China.

“Join us in our quest to make sure every American can exercise their inalienable right to celebrate the day those two magical words are uttered for the first time: “PLAY BALL!” To be honest, my first time wasn’t all that memorable. Or magical. There were definitely far less than two words uttered in that bathroom but I take the fifth and that is my inalienable right. But that’s what first times are for — to forget and pretend they never happened. Every time should be like the first, so I’m all about a holiday that makes us feel new and whole again.

Look, I hope this law gets passed. I really do. I mean, we have a holiday for a guy who arrived in the Americas, thought he was in India, and was like, “Hi, I’m Chris, everything that used to belong to you now belongs to me, so thanks. PS, here are some smallpox.”

The least we can do is work a little less and get back to our roots and enjoy a sport that used to be a unifying force in America. We’re all about excess, so what’s wrong with an excess holiday that has some American relevance? Plus, it will only lay precedent to the other petitions I have in mind for this great country of ours, which include legalizing all firearms when in the presence of bacon and genetically modifying water.

Happy Fourth of July, America.