If you’ve been on Facebook or near a goofy morning show on the radio or television today, you know it’s 12-12-12. Some people think it’s the end of the world; most think the Mayans doomed us after 12/21 this year. So, assuming we survive today, we have nine days to worry, nine days to look for signs.
I submit to you the first sign came down last night. The (goateed) face of The Red Sox – the lead inmate who ran the asylum some say (by some I mean me) – has joined the blood rival, the Evil Empire, the New York Yankees. Kevin Youkilis will take his talents to the South Bronx, where he will have to get rid of his Walter White impression and forced into a clean shaven existence.
Yes, a bare-faced Kevin Youkilis holding down the fort at third base for A-Rod and the Yankees is the first sign of the end of the world. Just ask Bill Simmons or any member of Red Sox Nation – they will tell you the world will explode before “Youk” kicks any dirt on the Yankee Stadium infield.
So we at SportsJerks.net do not choose to believe that Youk is just another greedy athlete to whom a fierce rivalry means so little that he would be used as a little plastic Roman Numeral in the billionaire’s game of Risk that is Major League Baseball. We truly believe this is the first sign that the world is ending. Have your eyes open for the next nine days leading up to the winter solstice and you may see the others:
- There is a public outcry for the NHL to return;
- All the members of the ESPN family of networks let an entire day pass without mentioning the New York Jets’ back-up quarterback;
- David Stern makes a decision in the true best interest of his league, never considering financial implications;
- Mark Cuban, Terrell Owens, Curt Schilling, and Warren Sapp say they’ve got nothing left to say and shut down their Twitter accounts;
- The New York Mets spend money on improving the team;
- Tom Brady and Bill Belichick claim torturing the Jets is no longer even amusing to them and retire to start a NASCAR racing team;
- Bud Selig mandates that team mascots will now play the All-Star Game to avoid player injury. The team whose mascot is declared the game’s MVP will host the World Series. Big Bird and Mr. McGiblets will manage the squads.
- The NFL introduces Sleep Number Helmets; players who choose a number under 50 must sign a waiver, absolving the league from blame should you ever lick a window, try to fly, or acknowledge that brain injuries are at all damaging to your health.
- Saying he’s “a bit overexposed,” Peyton Manning declines all commercial requests.
So, when you see these things unfolding, take your kids to Dairy Queen for the most artery-busting item on the menu, call your mom for once and tell her you love her, and spend your money on yourself – worry about Christmas shopping if and when you wake up on Dec. 22.