Yes, they get to make sick money playing a boy’s game. The players treated like rock stars; the owners like business tycoons. But deep down, what are the Major League Baseball teams truly thankful for?

Luckily the intrepid reporting staff at Sports Jerks rounded up their sources, asked the tough questions, and then just made it up. Hey, we’re all looking for jobs at the New York Post, so sue us.

(At the advice of our attorneys, we actually ask you NOT to sue us. That would suck. Hey, man, it’s the holidays. Be chill.)

So here we go: We’ll go division-by-division for your ease of perusal.

American League:

AL East:

• Baltimore Orioles: Thankful that because they started the “new, modern ball park” craze, that they can soon tear down Camden Yards and build the next must-see revenue generator as soon as this temporary optimistic “we CAN beat the Yankees” streak expires;
• Boston Red Sox: Thankful that a poorly-designed band box built in the 1500s whose seats could comfortably accommodate only Kate Moss with sight lines slightly better than how Ray Charles used to watch a game is considered “historical” and “charming” so that it sells out every night no matter how putrid the product;
• New York Yankees: Thankful The Boss had the foresight to include a mint in the new Yankee Stadium. No, really, a mint, where they print the money. It’s right outside of Cashman’s office.
• Tampa Bay Rays: Thankful to be competitive in recent seasons so that the fan base overlooks the fact that they play their games in the municipal dump;
• Toronto Blue Jays: They think they’re thankful for Jose Reyes, but they’ll tell you for sure next Thanksgiving;

AL Central

• Chicago White Sox: Thankful to have the Cubs across town so that underachieving is impossible
• Cleveland Indians: Thankful for the revenue stream from the royalties of “Major League;” otherwise they might be Alaska’s first major league team;
• Detroit Tigers: Forever thankful that Richard Verlander was a little bit randy on the spring day in 1982 and that Kathy was so receptive to his not so subtle insinuations;
• Kansas City Royals: Thankful that George Brett continues to make them seem relevant, in the same way that Joe Namath does for the Jets;
• Minnesota Twins: Thankful they didn’t go through with the marketing plan to actually clone their players. One set is bad enough;

AL West

• Anaheim Angels of America: Thankful nobody pointed out that with a perennial MVP and the (for all intents and purposes) 2012 MVP on the roster, they still managed only a 3^rd place finish;
• Oakland Athletics: Thankful nobody notices they are the least athletic team in the sport, but they still get on base more than anyone!;
• Texas Rangers: Always thankful to share the spotlight with Jerry Jones and Mark Cuban, allowing Nolan Ryan to look like the Einstein of professional sports management;
• Seattle Mariners: Thankful that you can get a cup of coffee within 5 feet of anywhere here, because it’s pretty nasty here, folks;

 

Teams Currently Without a League:

• Houston Astros: Thankful they don’t have to wear those uniforms;

National League:

NL East:

• Atlanta Braves: Thankful they play in the most passive sports city in America, so the fans never whine that they only won one single, solitary, lonely ring during the Chipper/Cox era/
• Miami Marlins of Anaheim Florida: Thankful the Heat currently have the city distracted, otherwise they might notice there is no longer an MLB franchise in the city;
• New York Mets: Thankful for…. Hey, did you see that ball go through Buckner’s legs???!!!;
• Philadelphia Phillies: Thankful for Santa Claus, so the fan base has an easier target than the team itself;
• Washington Nationals: Thankful they rested the best pitcher in the game in the fall instead of the spring, so he can go on to win as many rings as Chipper Jones through 2030;

NL Central:

• Chicago Cubs: Thankful that everyone’s drunk for the 7^th inning stretch. Otherwise they might remember the game tomorrow;
• Cincinnati Reds: Thankful for the Japanese phrase for Thank You, We’re Relevant Again: Domo arigato, Mr. JoeVotto;
• Milwaukee Brewers: Thankful the beer is always cold and as available as coffee in Seattle;
• Pittsburgh Pirates: Thankful the Mets are the ones still paying Bonilla’s salary; they have to start collecting cans to pay for McCutchen’s next contract;
• St. Louis Cardinals: Thankful they made the playoffs again; suck it Pujols;

 

NL West:

• Arizona Diamondbacks: Thankful for….hey, did you see we have a hot tub in the outfield?;
• Colorado Rockies: Thankful for science. They’d be able to hit it out of Yellowstone if it was a mile up in the air too;
• Los Angeles Dodgers: Contractually obligated to the thankful for Tommy Lasorda until 2050;
• San Diego Padres: Thankful for changing climates. The 71 degree days are such a relief after that long stretch of 72 degree days;
• San Francisco Giants: Thankful their success is no longer tied to illegal substance abuse. Who’s this Melky character you keep talking about;